Monday, December 19, 2005

Annoying Boy of the Year: "Papa Joe" Simpson


What tragic figures the Simpson sisters have become, and it seems they have only their dad to thank.

Daddy pimped out Jessica as soon as she hit puberty, made creepy comments to the public about the size of her breasts, and advised her to turn her humorously naive marriage into a business op (Newlyweds, a show that includes scenes of ol' Papa talking about how Jessica gave Nick her "gift" and ogling her booty-shaking pussy-cat doll performance for Nick's birthday). Most recently, he vehemently denied rumors that Nick and Jessica were on the rocks, and reportedly urged them to stay in their ramshackle marriage until the release of the final season of Newlyweds so as to not hurt sales. Wow. What a sweetie. Don't you wish he was your Daddy?

He followed suit with second-daughter Ashlee, who is both untalented and incredibly unlikable: two facts that have become painfully obvious to everyone thanks to Papa Joe's "managment." After making Asslee play sidekick to Jess by being her back-up dancer, he got Ash her own reality program when she decided to leave -- 7th Heaven -- to pursue her own music career (The Ashlee Simpson show includes a scene in which Ashlee giggles that her father "would be proud" when she's told that she gave one of the camera men on the set of her "la la" video a hard on).
Papa Joe has also "managed" many of Ashlee's love interests (including her current boyfriend, who's actually a member of her band), causing many to speculate that he might actually pay these people to "play" her boyfriend. Ew.

Of course such sleezy behavior isn't limited to his relationships with his daughters; the story of his early courtship with wife Tina is equally disturbing. On the E! True Hollywood story for Jessica, Ashlee, and the Simpson Family, Papa Joe reveals that Tina was originally -- and this is his word -- one of his "youths." That is to say, Tina was in the youth group Joe ministered. So before he was her boyfriend he was her youth minister. And he certainly seems to like being the kingpin of his daughters' cabal, which naturally includes a number of Jessica and Asslee's young female friends and assistants. I don't even want to think about the sort of relationship Cacee Cobb might have with Papa Joe...

But let's address that minister thing. People are always talking about how Papa Joe was some youth minister as though that was a vocation equivalent in prestige and virtue to being an actual minister or priest or a rabbi or some other religious leader. I'm not sure, but I don't think you have to go through a whole lot of extensive training to be a youth minister in some crappy Texas town. I'm pretty sure you just have to like (or pretend to like) reading the bible with young people. And I don't mean to sound cynical, but it's not as though some creep
hasn't ever used religion as a pretense to get closer to vulnerable young people before. I'm just sayin'.

Without a doubt, "Papa Joe" Simpson has done more than enough to earn the title of "Annoying Boy of the Year." These days
Jessica Simpson is getting divorced and sister Asslee is in the hospital (for, what else -- "exhaustion"). And, as if that wasn't enough, we also have him to thank for exposing us to all things related to Ryan Cabrera, the horror that was Fabian Basabe et al in the hideously insipid Filthy Rich Cattle Drive, AND the recent signing of none other than Laguna Beach's King Dunce Talan Torriero to Papa Joe records.



Joe Simpson sells daughters
Joe Simpson manages his daughter's lovers
With in-laws like these
Joe Simpson teaches the A-list
Joe Simpson = Don Johnson
Joe Simpson a la "nobody puts Baby in a corner"
*new* Ashlee Simpson: red-headed step child

image source


zp said...

You certainly have put your amazing abilities to research and draw things together to disturbingly good use. That doesn't sound right, but I'm tounge tied (or my fingers are rendered immobile) by the powers of your suggestion. I'm so grossed out I think I'm going to have to go outside and get some fresh air.

zp said...

ps. This from the NYT today,

"To troops here who had been told they were having a special guest without knowing who it would be, Mr. Cheney introduced himself by joking, "Well, I'm not Jessica Simpson," the pop singer who frequently makes appearances before the United States military for the U.S.O."

porkmuffin said...

agreed. j-sim = creepy mccreepster.

Donny B said...

Yes, good call. And of course he's Ashlee's manager. Who else would take her on? I'm so glad her new album is barely selling. Maybe this will make take some...I don't know...voice lessons maybe?

Elyce Rae Helford said...

Grosssssss. You've definitely done a fabulous one-two punch of grossing me out and making plain that attacking young clueless women is not what we need to be doing. Instead, point the finger at those who control, indulge, and wrong them.

Lake Desire said...

Thank you for acknowledging that 7th Heave(n) the worse show ever. Most people either seem to love it or be oblivious to its existence. I miss the Television Without Pity recaps.

Deb said...

I was on staff with Joe and Tina in that "crappy" little Texas town. I thought it was a sweet little town. Silly me. I taught in the youth department. I didn't always agree with Joes' decisions but I never got the feeling He was anything less than committed to Tina.
I think you should stick to the facts.