Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Meet the Bam-Bams

Bam Bam, the world's strongest baby

Okay, we don't mean to diss Bam Bam, the tow headed wunderkind from The Flintsones, but we do feel compelled to invoke his name every time we hear about yet another man-sized baby.

Sure, flailing a giant club (re: disembodied phallus) around is pretty cute and hilarious when you're an animated pre-verbal toddler in Hanna Barbera land, but when your a real-live man involved in so-called "adult" relationships, acting like a baby when you don't get your way is pretty tiresome.

How many waves of feminsim does this culture have to go through in order to turn the tide of the Bam-Bams? There's been a respite or two, but we're getting ready to build a fucking sea wall over here. After all, W is just another Bam-Bam.

Bam-Bams are big man sized babies. They are the boys who are racist, sexist, and homophobic. The boys who lie and cheat, and then have the audacity to whine about wearing condoms or getting screened for STDs. The boys who make their dates pay for everything while hoarding their own money for video games and dvds and drunken nights out with their buds. The boys who manipulate and scowl and pout. The boys who succomb easily to group think (i.e. those loathsome bam bams in Swingers: "that's so money!" Puke.) and are overly concerned with being "cool." The boys whose view of gender roles and relations are decidedly stone age. The vain and aggressive and selfish boys. The passive-aggressive emo boys. The misogynist rapper boys. The smarmy so pleased-with-themselves intellectual boys. Ugh. WE ARE SO SICK OF YOU.

We don't know what it is, but lately Bam-Bams are EVERYWHERE. A rap hit with a chorus of "I hate my baby momma" ??!!?? Are you fucking kidding me??

Momus (who I fondly think of as Eminem's antithesis) sings: Boys are just like babies / they do things that babies do / they go Bam! Bam! / and bring the house down.

You said it, Momus.

But don't get us wrong: we know that there are lots of sensitive, enlightened men out there. But the bam-bams blend in! Bam-Bams should have to identify themselves or something. Perhaps they could wear a scarlet letter "B," or a perhaps a diaper.

Anyway, now you have an idea on what we mean when we refer to someone as a bam-bam. The definition is a work in progress, and we invite you to help us clarify and refine the term.


Anonymous said...

YES!!! I love it! I forgot about that Momus verse... how fitting. My eyes are completely open now to noticing all the bam bams in my view. This might get overwhelming with the plethora of them out there.

Jenny said...

Great term. I've been racking my brain all day to think of guys that aren't Bam-Bams.

Also, if you are going to continue with this definition, I'd love to hear why you think that despite all of their puke-worthy characteristics, Bam-Bam's are so freaking attractive. Why do so many girls like them so much? Is it really just their mindless club-wielding?

femme feral said...

I have NO IDEA why so many girls like bam-bams.