Sunday, June 12, 2005

Don't Swallow This: WE's Bridezilla

fresh from the wedding factory

The Bridal Industry is evil evil evil. It's like the diet industry and the beauty industry had a menage a trois with a cupcake and spawned some malicious goo monster that eats soon-to-be-wed women's money and self respect.

It's an industry filled with assumptions and insinuations: this will be the best day of your life, you will wear a "beautiful" white dress (that also makes you look like a poodle and symbolizes your soon to be defrocked virginity), you will be the princess in the fairy tale. And also, your father will give you away, you will have a bachelorette party and suck on penis shaped lollypops and do "blow job" shots, and you will subject your friends to horrific dresses in addition to feeling obligated to cater to your every whim because you've made them "bridesmaids." You will lose twenty pounds because everyone will be scrutinizing you. Start getting manicures at least three months before! plus chemical peels and teeth whitening treatments because those pictures last forever!!! And you know, you're pretty ugly now, so . . .

We know what people do on their wedding day is completely up to them; we're not trying to judge. It's just that, because WE are getting married in a week, we're feeling a little sick of people telling us what to do. We *do not* like people telling us what to do. grrrr!

But even after all our recent exposure to the evil wedding beastie, we were just *not* prepared for WE's show Bridezilla.

This show is an offensive, degrading mess. In fact, it's straight up offendoplex worthy, with promos that cheerily sing "can't talk to her, can't kill her -- she's bridezilla" as a crazed looking bride slices through an ice sculpture with a chain saw. The tag line of the show is "watch real brides go from sweet to certifiable," and on their website there is a picture of a mad-eyed bride in a straight jacket. Another caption says, "engaged, enraged, and about to be committed." Are you catching all these puns? So clever. It's so funny when people are crazy. ha ha ha Funny crazy ladies in their poofy white dresses. What psychos!

The thing is, the whole "bridezilla" stereotype is a product of the wedding industry. It's no wonder brides go crazy when their own wedding planners are saying stuff like, "A lot of couples go into their wedding . . .not even speaking" and "A bride who worked in finance said it perfectly: there is a merger happening here." Ew.

And what's up with WE, the so called "women's entertainment network" making fun of all the crazy ladies? Aren't there some other people who are more worthy of women's scorn? We know the show is meant to be funny, but it just ain't got the chops.

let them eat cake

To promote the show, WE sponsored a zany bridezilla cake dig in times square.

Juxtapose the above scene with this or this or this.

The whole spectacle of high cost weddings totally occludes the ways in which this institution is being used to keep people down. In fact, it provides a false resolution (in an idealized , "fairy tale" landscape) of persisting class and gender inequality.

Anyway, you can take a quiz to test your own bridezilla potential here.

And you can read about the history of marriage here.


Jenny said...

Yeah, probably a bad show to watch just before you are about to get married. I agree...and I honestly don't know how girls turn into Bridezillas. I completely understand that there is stress at big events--my sister, for example, can't even handle Christmas dinner--but the thought of running around pouting over engraved napkins and the color of bridesmaids shoes makes me feel sick to my stomach. And the thought of two people going through their wedding day not wanting to talk to one another seriously makes me want to cry. What's the freaking point? I am so fed up with these made up industries--like the greeting card industry or the wedding industry--that just create shit and suddenly it's like, "Oh yeah, it's Secretary's day--time to buy flowers." "Oh, we're getting married, time to hand out pre-pre-rehearsal dinner gifts and after -the-wedding-brunch mementos." The other day I saw a thank you card for an engagement party gift. Who makes this shit up????? And another thing that annoys me lately is that right-hand ring thing and the anniversary band thing from Tiffany's et al. I mean, at first I thought the right hand ring thing was cool--as in, "I don't have to wait for a guy to buy me a ring," but now I'm fed up with it all. Why does the jewely industry get to decide what my symbols are? AHHHH!!!!

I will say, on the other hand, that I am quite a fan of blowjob shots. They are much more fun when they are not part of a bachelorette party.

phelony jones said...

This is another part of life that has been tainted by our reality TV mindset and other cultural expectations....I have made a pact with myself. If I ever *do* get married, it will be off in some wonderful location and then we'll come back and throw a party. The focus should just be in the right place :)

porkmuffin said...

if i ever get married i'm wearing pants. not 'the' pants. just regular pants. i can't imagine that i would be a bridezilla other than the fact that i would insist that people only buy me books and post-punk vinyl records as shower and wedding gifts. if anyone bought me lacy panties or made me wear a penis hat i would punch them in the goddam face.

julia said...

i saw the ad for this show and almost puked (figuratively)...i didn't even realize it was on WE- that's as messed up as the lifetime network (television for women) always airing movies about women who seduce their students to kill their husbands, or women who fall in love with their kidnappers (as opposed to the abused wives stories they used to show all the time). but i digress.
the idea about straight women and marriage and how it's "all i've ever wanted" blah blah blah which turns them into "bridezillas" before, during and (according to shows like everybody loves raymond)after a wedding is absurd and so cliche that i would think the entertainment industry would just move on and grow up...though, i will say, watching TLC's a wedding story ain't much better given that apparently the couples have been sucked dry of any personality most of the time.
also, i saw a "groomzilla" the other day on mtv's "real life" (?) show ("i'm getting married) who would probably put any of these women to shame.
weddings are funny/strange-- in the culturally scripted version, men are paradoxically both necessary and unnecessary...what does this say about the marriage itself? was this wedding thing supposed to be all we womens needed of "independence"? hmmm...
(sorry i'm so long winded)