Congratulations to our inaugural member: Chad Michael Murray!!!
You'd think we'd have something better to do than watch back to back episodes of MTV's Movie Life series about new horror-flick House of Wax. Shame on you. Stop judging us!
In case you haven't heard, this is the movie in which PARIS DIES.
Chad: First he played the extremely irritating rich boy Tristan on our beloved The Gilmore Girls. He was the one who kept on calling sweet little Rory "Mary." Then he was cast opposite warring Disney teen queens Lindsay (Freaky Friday) and Hillary (The Cinderella Story). If we remember correctly, he took Hillary Duff to the premiere of Lohan's Freaky Friday, stoking the poor ingenues' terrible rift. Murray claimed on VH1 that "he justed wanted to spend time getting to know his co-star," Duff. What a jackass. This of course led to the spiralling Lohan catastrophe: the relationship with creepy Wilmer and his frightening ski caps, etcetera.
Murray's One Tree Hill TV show really sucks, also.
Until Movie Life, I thought the reason I felt vaguely queasy whenever I saw the Chadster was because the characters he plays are so hackneyed and dull.
But in Movie Life Chad appears as himself. He, like many pretty boy actors, seems empty empty empty -- pleased and placid in his "celebrity," vaguely cocky with a slight hint of metrosexual cool (black leather necklaces, a chunky silver ring) and a dash of surfer boy hip (blond spiky hair, going shirtless). The show, which is supposed to give us a taste of what it is like to make a movie, is mostly footage of the cast members doing everything except working on the movie. They shop, they drink, they tell banal jokes. And there are also plenty of talking heads. Chad's head appears. And it talks. And talks. And talks. And then he stops talking. That's the main impression he leaves. He says intriguing things like "don't film me getting my makeup done!" and, about his bride-to-be, "she's my summer breeze." Like that's something anybody says!
However there is one thing that was especially repellant--the incident that earns Mr. Murray this week's title. Murray, who like any person buys a pet as his souvenir when shooting a movie in Australia, cannot conceal his horror, disgust and disappointment when the vet informs him that his new best friend has only one testicle. This is the worst "deus ex testicle" since that fucking annoying twerp on "Sex in the City" was given a "compromised nut" character arc.
Once in the van, Chad cannot wait to call his friends to share the news (in case you forgot, boys love any conversation about penises and balls, even if they are of the canine variety). His repeated laments of "my dog only has one nut!" are truly irritating. I wonder how many people died in Iraq on the day that he was obssessing about the missing nut? I wonder how viewers with real medical problems-- I don't know, maybe testicular cancer survivors?-- would feel about this his hilarious mock despair. Meanwhile, despite his concerns about his dog's "masculinity," he cannot hide how much delight he takes in saying "one nut" over and over. I think we all know who the nut is here!
Castmate Jared Padalecki seals the deal when, while hanging out in Murray's soon-to-be-wife's trailer, he re-names the dog "NUTCLOPS." Then he says "NUTCLOPS" over and over. When costar Elisha Cuthbert arrives in Australia a few days after the rest of the cast, Padalecki can't wait to fill her in on the hilarious running "NUTCLOPS" gag. Poor Cuthbert.
So, to summarize-- Chad Michael Murray is a genuinely irritating little fellow.
P.S. drop us a line if you have any ideas who might be a good future member of our "Annoying Boy of the Week Club." New members will be added every Friday.*
*make that whenever we damn feel like it.