Wednesday, September 21, 2005

"You Love My Lady Lumps"

Yesterday as I was driving home, I heard this song on the radio, and I was like, oh porn rap (a la 2 Live Crew) is coming back. The song sounded cheap and cheesy -- the sort of thing whipped together in a low-rent studio with drum machines and battery-powered synthesizers. The sort of song dorky white boy djs pump into college bars in order to get all the sorority girls bumping and grinding and spilling their beers (though hopefully not wetting their pants). It was a sort of back and forth between and a playa and a diva, and it was saucy and nasty and ridiculous and trashy, so of course I came right home and googled a bit of the lyrics -- "lovely lady lumps." I was shocked to discover that this song is by the Black Eyed Peas. When did they start sounding like the 69 Boyz??? I mean, I'm not a fan (and let the record show that the Sad Billionaire believes that Fergie is a robot with no soul), but still.

Here's a taste of the lyrics:

What you gonna do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
Ima get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps.
(Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these icyesys.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and then Donna
Karan, they be sharin
All their money
got me wearin
Fly gearrr but I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass n,
Se7en Jeans, True Religion,
I say no, but they keep givin'
SoI keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating.
My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump,
my hump, My humps they got u!

Crazy, huh? Super Kentucky Fried. Extra golden crispy. There's something about this juvenile nursery-rhyme cadence combined with brand names, bling, and the most.absurd.description.of.breasts.ever. that makes me feel like I better prepare for the end of the world. But there is a part that I kinda like.

I met a girl down at the disco
She said hey, hey,hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby,
you can be my honey
Lets spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with
my cocoa puff,milky,
milky riiiiiiight.

So breakfast cereal is in the mix now? Love it. So dippy-drizzled daffy and bizarre. But I guess Cocoa Puffs are among the more sexy breakfast cereals. Froot Loops are basically holes, so they must be pretty sexy. Lucky charms have pots of gold and rainbows, and if you think of the pot of gold and the end of a rainbow . . .I guess that is sort of sexy. Plus there's that whole idea of "getting lucky" AND that "magically delicious" bit.

But I thought lumps were bad. I mean, is there anything positive associated with lumps? Lump of coal? Bad. Lumpy gravy? Bad. Lumpy pillows? Bad. And humps? Also bad. We talk about "getting over the hump," which suggests that the hump is bad. Every time anyone refers to wed. as "hump day" I want to puke. And there are other things -- phrases that combine the word "dry" with the word "humping" that are also bad. Very bad. Very very bad.


nhennies said...

nhennies said...

Dry Hump

mzn said...

Do you think there are any sexy raps about my new fave cereal, Kashi Organic PromiseTM Autumn Wheat?

Jenny said...

I hate it when people are hungry and they say, "I've got the munchies." Or when people call post-it notes "stickies." It just sounds stupid. Same goes for calling boobs "lady lumps." It is just stupid. It sounds ridiculous. Add to that the fact that "lumps" are usually associated with cancer and you have what could be the most un-sexy song in the history of the universe.

femme feral said...

MZN, well, your breakfast cereal is sort of a mouthful (no pun intended!), but I think it has potential if you break it down. "Organic Promise" is almost risque if you think about . . . Sex is organic . . .usually. And there's that whole "promise keeper" virginity cult. Hey -- wait a second, I think your cereal is actually a VERY SQUARE, SEXUALLY CONSERVATIVE cereal. No kinky sex -- organic only please. Keep your promise. And "autumn wheat"? -- plan to use your seed for a bountiful harvest only. No random spilling. And while we're at it, lets trademark the whole thing. And no goofy cartoon characters for you organic promise autumn wheat -- bundles of ripe grain only!!!!

femme feral said...

I forgot to mention that Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat is one tasty cereal. MZN has good tasts!

femme feral said...

I mean "taste."

Emily said...

With respect to rapping and breakfast cereals, I feel compelled to direct your attention to one
"Milky Cereal" by none other than LL Cool J, off of Mama Said Knock you Out (1990). I know this song because this album was quite possibly my favorite album of my 13-year-old life.

Here's a link to the lyrics

I have to say, even now I find them quite charming in that LL Cool J sort of way. Maybe the BEPs think they can work that whole "everything early 90s is cool again" angle, but I'm afraid LL has 'em beat on this one.

femme feral said...

so the black eyed peas rip off LL. doesn't surprise me. Thanks for the link, Emily. That LL song is rad. It's interesting how in both songs there's the chocolate / vanilla element -- how the flavors and colors of breakfast cereal stand in for race and class. Cereal is egalitarian people! Listen up!

Queenie said...

My son has heard this song, too.
Imagine my surprise to hear him singing it.
I said, please stop.
Now I catch him whispering it...


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say this gave me a good laugh, the other night I was wondering exactly what she meant by "lady lumps" . I mean women infact have many curves that I guess could be considered lumps. So thanks for clearing up the confusion and also making me laugh about other parts of the song I never noticed.

Shandy said...

its a song mocking rap songs u dumb ass

Anonymous said...

I don't like it when people are hungry and say "I'm going to get some FOOD."