Monday, July 11, 2005

Celebrutality Vol. 2: Hysterical Revisionism

Mopey Bills here! First things first, thanks to Elka, for this delightful detourning of my moniker. I will never wash my name again!

Secondly, the discussion of fake vs. real celebs has been raucous and thrilling. Giving props where props are due, I am willing to consider removing Jake Gyllenhall from my list in deference to the comments of Nick Hennies. I never saw "Donnie Darko," the cult movie, but I do very much like Rick Danko, the bass player for the Band, so I figure, drawing on undoubtedly flawless Aristotelian logic, that Jake cannot therefore be all bad. Q.E.D.

Rick Danko

Femme Feral could not be correcter than she is in her insistence on the heinous injustice of Kim Stewart and the Bam person being even vaguely famous. In my world, there is room only for one Bam guy, and that is Emeril, for whom I have sincere, if inexplicable, affection. One teaches me how to make delicious stock from shrimp tails and models proper pastry bag cannoli-filling technique; the other maybe slept in the same room as Jessica Simpson. No real contest there.

Finally, while the competition for most unfamous-but-allegedly-possibly-famous band is more crowded than a phone booth during a 1920s fraternity rush week, I nominate and second the group Good Charlotte. These guys are so not famous it is not even funny. They even have signature model guitars for sale in the Musicians Friend catalog. That honor is supposed to be reserved for poodle-haired burnouts like the guitarist from Journey, not people named "Benji."

Which brings me to my final point-- there is only room for one famous Benji, period. And that is the lovable pooch of the silver screen!



femme feral said...

more bands:

hoobastank (wtf?!!)
limp bizkit (I'm not sure if I spelled that right, but I don't care)
system of a down
and that other band that sounds like limp bizkit and is equally bad

Michalle said...


femme feral said...

y'know. I actually like green day. I saw them play in columbia when I was just a wee teen. And I love their black eyeliner look now. They are the only pop-"punk" band that are actually legitimate. If they hadn't made it big they'd proobably be putting out the same type of music on lookout records. And they actually use their popularity to promote a coherent political agenda. I'm just sayin'.

Jenny said...

i think the lead singer of green day is hot. when i watch mtv, i am oddly attracted to both 50 cent and the lead singer of green day. i'm not sure why. jean does too. we spent a whole night once drinking gin and tonics and watching 50 and green day on aol sessions. we also watched kelly clarkson. but not because we think she's hot, but because she does this funny thing where she sings her whole song with her eyes closed. it's freaky. i love aol sessions. did i mention that? well, i just realized i'm not really staying on topic. who is famous that shouldn't be???? ummm....i really can't get passed kimberly stewart and she's already been taken. so two votes for kimberly stewart.

ren said...

Hey SB--
Since Jake got taken off the list, would you consider removing Maggie, as well? I think it was her in The Secretary and she was excellent opposite James Spader. I recommend the movie if you haven't seen it. But maybe I got the wrong actress. . .

ren said...

Also, I think that the Strokes should be so not famous. They gross me out and people just think thier music has redeeming qualities because they maybe kinda wished they looked like the Stones. Maybe they won't resurface.

your brother said...

I spotted an issue of Stuff on the newsstand today, and right there on the cover it advertises a Jessica-fest inside. Three Jessicas in one Stuff: Alba, Biel, and Simpson. Here's your chance to get them straight!

And your lists remind me of a celeb confusion of my youth. In the 80s it was not clear to me what difference, if any, there was between Robert Wagner, Jack Wagner, and Richard Wagner. But now that I catch Bold and the Beautiful now and then at least I've got one of my Wagners figured out.

femme feral said...

linkin' park. wtf is jay-z thinking?