Annoying Boy of the Week: Adam Levine

smug mug. ugh!!!



Omigod, this guy is such a putz that his irritatingness exceeds even the generous bounds of this category. Out of the public eye for now, we know that it is only a matter of time before Levine resurfaces. When he does, we will be ready. Levine is going down.

First of all, the band name with the "poetic" juxtaposition of a "random" word and an "arbitrary" number... I mean how played out does this maneuver have to get before we pass a Constitutional Amendment against it. Maroon 5? It makes me want to cry, it sucks so much.

Second, the guy shows all the signs of rich-kid privelege and advanced self-love. He is creepy. He is not especially attractive, but is constantly having himself groped with his "girlfriend" in his videos. He spoke with a finishing-school fake British accent on "MTV Cribs" during an unwatchable staged gag where he happened on his friend and "girlfriend" in bed together. This was the worst/best "Cribs" moment since prepubescent Aaron Carter strutted around his condo, paused by the entertainment center, and picked up a copy of "Glass Houses," and said something like, "when you romancin' your hos, you gots to be havin the Billy Joel on the stereo!!!"

Adam Levine wears horrible Nordstrom would-be hipster clothes-- terry cloth lacoste shirts? He sings with an excruciating exagerrated reggae lilt, familiar from karaoke versions of "Margaritaville" and boys at Jewish summer camp singing "No Woman, No Cry" while playing hacky sack. Why do fratboys identify so much with Jamaicans? Don't they know that when the global class war happens, they are going to be roasted like plantains in their corporate offices by rastafarians who are tired of picking their fruit and sugar for five cents a year and having their nice country and formerly kind of cool musical style fucked over by fratboy imperialism?

For a while, "In Touch" had him in every issue. Headlines like: "Nick Lachey is a Maroon 5 fan!" Or "Levine Says People Having Sex to Maroon 5 Would Be 'The Ultimate Compliment'!" Every puff piece increased our sense of indignation and rage.

Even now that we don't have to endure that "she said good-bye, too many times before" song quite as much as before, we still hate Adam Levine. Your time is over, buddy.

We've said goodbye exactly the correct number of times before, jack-ass.