Sunday, May 15, 2005

Annoying Boy of the Week: Adam Levine

smug mug. ugh!!!

Omigod, this guy is such a putz that his irritatingness exceeds even the generous bounds of this category. Out of the public eye for now, we know that it is only a matter of time before Levine resurfaces. When he does, we will be ready. Levine is going down.

First of all, the band name with the "poetic" juxtaposition of a "random" word and an "arbitrary" number... I mean how played out does this maneuver have to get before we pass a Constitutional Amendment against it. Maroon 5? It makes me want to cry, it sucks so much.

Second, the guy shows all the signs of rich-kid privelege and advanced self-love. He is creepy. He is not especially attractive, but is constantly having himself groped with his "girlfriend" in his videos. He spoke with a finishing-school fake British accent on "MTV Cribs" during an unwatchable staged gag where he happened on his friend and "girlfriend" in bed together. This was the worst/best "Cribs" moment since prepubescent Aaron Carter strutted around his condo, paused by the entertainment center, and picked up a copy of "Glass Houses," and said something like, "when you romancin' your hos, you gots to be havin the Billy Joel on the stereo!!!"

Adam Levine wears horrible Nordstrom would-be hipster clothes-- terry cloth lacoste shirts? He sings with an excruciating exagerrated reggae lilt, familiar from karaoke versions of "Margaritaville" and boys at Jewish summer camp singing "No Woman, No Cry" while playing hacky sack. Why do fratboys identify so much with Jamaicans? Don't they know that when the global class war happens, they are going to be roasted like plantains in their corporate offices by rastafarians who are tired of picking their fruit and sugar for five cents a year and having their nice country and formerly kind of cool musical style fucked over by fratboy imperialism?

For a while, "In Touch" had him in every issue. Headlines like: "Nick Lachey is a Maroon 5 fan!" Or "Levine Says People Having Sex to Maroon 5 Would Be 'The Ultimate Compliment'!" Every puff piece increased our sense of indignation and rage.

Even now that we don't have to endure that "she said good-bye, too many times before" song quite as much as before, we still hate Adam Levine. Your time is over, buddy.

We've said goodbye exactly the correct number of times before, jack-ass.


Jenny said...

Cheers to your jeers. I couldn't agree more. In fact, I don't know what part of this post to agree with first.

Pseudo-reggae couture? Hate it. A lot. Hated it in college, hate it now. Categorically hate any song that is co-opted by jeep-cherokee driving lacrosse players and turned into a pot-smoking anthem.

And I hate Maroon 5 too. Especially that song that you quoted. And this is from a girl who likes bad music. A lot of bad music. In fact, I like almost EVERY song on the radio. Seriously. I like Mariah Carey even. Cheezy "I wanna make love to you all night" r&b songs? LOVE 'EM! And while I'm laying it all out on the table here, I used to like the Spice Girls, Ace of Base, and a few Garth Brooks songs. So I sink low on the musical taste meter. But that Maroon 5 song makes me want to vomit. And that's saying something.

porkmuffin said...

this is the funniest shit i have read in a long time.

Maroon 5 and Levine make me want to stab a fork in my eye. Levine is the new Stephen Jenkins. (3rd Eye Blind)

Speaking of, it still makes me simmer with rage that i had to watch 3rdEB open for U2. WTF???? and don't even get me started on the "Trustafarians"...

Christine said...

1st)ok the truth is that adam's voice is special but i don't think it's frustrating...i like it!
2nd)i agree about the name (by the way, what is maroon? colour? my english sucks that's why i'm asking..)
3nd)i think that their music is really cool and very different from others (although sometimes, it reminds the police e.t.c. but it's still fine...)
4nd) i don't really care about their clothes or their behaviour... i don't give a shit. I just like their music that's the only thing that i'm interested in commending...
p.s. i wanna see them live but they don't come in greece. :-(

gongo said...

i think you guys are overanalysing them. they are a group of people who are reasonably talented on their instruments, and they make songs that are simple and easy to listen to. nuf sed