Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Celebrity "Authors": Nicole Richie, 50 cent, et al

Ooooh. FF is cranky. I feel like doing one million karate chops. I feel like Keropi with fangs.* I taste venom in every vowel.

And y'know, it's just that time of year. The weather shifts. The days are short. My birthday looms like a strange balloon. Culture -- anything human -- is alienating. Who
are these people and what are they talking about?

Burrow. Burrow. Burrow. Line the den with chocolate. Retire.

And yet even in the dark of my blackest mood, the culture of "celebrity" glows like a radioactive virus. It spreads and flexes and mutates, spills and oozes like a wound.
"Money! Money! Money!" it calls out. "There's always more to buy!" And now they've got books. They've got 'em by the spine.

I resent celebrity "authors." No, resent is too sanitary a term. I despise them. I think them vile. And I'm pea green. Yup, I've got the penvy.

First of all, they don't even write their books. Second of all, their stories are predictable and boring. Third of all, whoever they get to write their books doesn't really do a good job. I know. I know. These books are trash. They'd do more good thrown on the pyre! (I'm kidding of course).

But I hate every word that has ever comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Enough already.

And this post has already gone on long enough. growl. snarl. boo. and hiss. But the customer review's are sorta funny:

50 Cent's Book
Pamela Anderson's book
Paris Hilton's book
Nicole Richie's book

And I will prolly read fiddy's book anyway.

Go ahead -- call me a hypocrite. My claws are out.

*more halloween keropi here.


elizalou said...

Hmmm. . . maybe you could hook up with a celebrity and write their book for them! I hear rumors that Britney's anxious to have another baby. You could write all about her new bump!

It's tempting- you could be as trashy as you want and never have to put your own name to it. . .

femme feral said...

ha! That's basically what I do in this blog!!

no, really, I'd love to be a ghost writer for a celebrity. I bet it's nuts.

mzn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mzn said...

Did you see the NYT article about Ritchie yesterday? This was my favorite part: "In this thinly veiled roman à clef, which Ms. Richie said she wrote herself, more than a few characters bear a startling resemblance to people in her real life."

Jenny said...

I hate celebrity authors, too. It makes me angry. Not quite as angry as celebrity perfume, though. I hate when celebrities are like, "I've ALWAYS wanted to make my own scent." It's stupid. So are celebrity albums. Nothing makes me more angry than when I see Lindsey Lohan talking about writing her own songs. Because basically every single celebrity songs goes like this:

People talk trash about me
But they don't know me real life
So back off and mind your own business
I'm strong and I will not let the
rumors get to me
and I will not be broken down by
all of you haters.

(The above was a combination of Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Lindsey Lohan, and even though her album hasn't come out yet, I'm pretty sure I've predicted a few of the lyrics that will be on Paris Hilton's album , too.)

Maybe you should start doing "ghost posts."

Donny B said...

Did you read Joe Meno's interview on BookSlut.com? He trashes certain publishers for producing these types of books, because the more they sell, the more other publishers think they have to compete, and the whole idea is encouraged throughout the industry. It sucks.

femme feral said...

oh jenny jenny, you are so funny.

and oh yes, I've heard about how "thinly veiled" the story is, and it's for that reason, mzn, that I'm somewhat tempted to at least flip through richie's tome.

so bad.