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Celebrutality Vol. 4: Famous But Boring

In the past we've asked -- "what in the sam hill makes so-and-so famous?" And while this line of inquiry is entertaining and somewhat productive, it doesn't allow us to get our hate on re: those celebrities who are really annoying but are also famous for fairly obvious reasons.

Take Hillary Duff, for example. Sure, I get why she is sorta famous. Lizzie Mcguire and all that. But boy is she annoying. Her voice has the texture of velveeta, and she went from sorta normal and cute looking to all bobble-headed and fakey-bakey. People also say her teeth are fake. I don't really care about that. I just think she puts the most boring, mediocre shit into the world.

And Keira Knightly. She is no Elizabeth Bennett. Grrr.

And Kelly Ripa. So what?

Others: Jude Law, Demi Moore, Aneglina Jolie

Others? Anyone?

The Girl in the Flammable Skirt

Isn't that a great title for a book? It's the title of Aimee Bender's first. She's here in town to do a reading and workshop at the house.

And check out the cover of her newest:












This is a fiction writer with a poet's sensibility. Here are some snippets from interviews.

from powell's:

Bender: Saying "the man" or "the woman," sometimes I like those words better than the words of names, even though it's true that once you name someone they're more specific and the reader can identify with them more. Maybe it's just an attraction to a kind of fairy-tale storytelling — it feels like names would be slightly too specific for the story; sometimes it would be a loss to attach a name to the characters. Like the big man and the little man [in "End of the Line"] — the big man can't have a name. I would lose part of my feeling about who he is. He's just "the big man"; he can't be Bob.

It feels like a texture to me. The texture would go a little wrong if the character was named, if the story wants to be more mythic. As soon as someone is named, the story enters the world of reality a little more. As soon as a capital letter comes into play, it looks different and it feels different.

and from Beatrice:

You can write a sentence, and the sentence will have tunnels inside of it, and you don't know how deep each tunnel will go, but a certain noun might be a tunnel that could last the length of a novel. The only way you know is that you're vaguely curious about it. It's an intuition about where you need to go, and it is a bit like groping through caves in the dark.

Sexy!!!

To learn more about the reading click here

To visit Aimee Bender's website (it's really cool) click here

I Miss Them

This is the coolest poem I've seen in a long time

What Smiley Face Through Yonder Window Breaks? or Emoticons give Leo and Claire a run for their $

Romeo and Juliet in emoticons. Link via Bookslut.

Celebrity "Authors": Nicole Richie, 50 cent, et al

Ooooh. FF is cranky. I feel like doing one million karate chops. I feel like Keropi with fangs.* I taste venom in every vowel.

And y'know, it's just that time of year. The weather shifts. The days are short. My birthday looms like a strange balloon. Culture -- anything human -- is alienating. Who are these people and what are they talking about?

Burrow. Burrow. Burrow. Line the den with chocolate. Retire.

And yet even in the dark of my blackest mood, the culture of "celebrity" glows like a radioactive virus. It spreads and flexes and mutates, spills and oozes like a wound. "Money! Money! Money!" it calls out. "There's always more to buy!" And now they've got books. They've got 'em by the spine.

I resent celebrity "authors." No, resent is too sanitary a term. I despise them. I think them vile. And I'm pea green. Yup, I've got the penvy.

First of all, they don't even write their books. Second of all, their stories are predictable and boring. Third of all, whoever they get to write their books doesn't really do a good job. I know. I know. These books are trash. They'd do more good thrown on the pyre! (I'm kidding of course).

But I hate every word that has ever comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Enough already.

And this post has already gone on long enough. growl. snarl. boo. and hiss. But the customer review's are sorta funny:

50 Cent's Book
Pamela Anderson's book
Paris Hilton's book
Nicole Richie's book

And I will prolly read fiddy's book anyway.















Go ahead -- call me a hypocrite. My claws are out.

*more halloween keropi here.

tv quizzes

You match Jess. Your tastes are similiar to Rory's,
with greater emphasis on punk and metal. You
also seem to enjoy making showtunes references.
'Fess up -- you really went back to New York to
star in a Broadway show, right?


Gilmore Girls: Whose musical taste do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

and . . .


We Are Amazed!


How Big of a Buffy Fan Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

and . . .


You are Angela Chase. You blend in to everything
and you're sick of it. You distance yourself
from the old ways in order to find your
"new" identity. You want to be
noticed, especially by a certain someone. Hey,
we all struggle during adolescence...


Which My So-Called Life character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



No Veronica Mars quiz. Bummer.

This is my Confession re: Madonna's Confession on a Dancefloor

I love it.

I didn't think I would. After watching the dull and egomaniacal I Will Tell You a Secret, I thought that I was officially done with Madonna. And she wasn't doing too hot before that. Rhyming "pilates" with "soy latte" with "body" in that wretched "American Life" song, the faux British accent, that whole kabbalah / call me "Esther" thing, and her supposedly mommy dearest like antics around the house. I was over her.

Then I saw the video for "hung up." Wow. First of all, she's wearing a pink leotard. Second of all, there is mad crazy krunk-style dancing. Third of all, it has the classic 80's story arc that moves from dance studio to dance club. And the video reimagines the 80's in a way that is makedly different from what we've gotten from Interpol, Franz Ferdinand, and Urban Outfitters. In Madonna's 80's there are boom boxes and knee socks and satin jackets and feathered hair. There is dancing at the bus stop and the sushi shop and on the subway. It's cheesy and campy, but it also has some grit around the edges. The frames are darkly lit, and the scene of Madonna walking through the streets to the disco simultaneously evokes "Papa Don't Preach," "Beat It" and The Outsiders. And of course the song itself : vitamin beats thrumming in the gut, and then, bubbling up to the surface, a spindly, trilling electro-flute threading across the top. Thrilling.


click here to watch the video.

We Are Magnetic -- Feminist Magnetic Poetry

Feministing is a daily read 'round here, and yet somehow I missed this:



















Cool, eh?

DNC 2 TH PNK RCK

Gertude Stein, A.B. Toklas, and fluffy dog*

Some good music comin' through the ATX soon. Hope we'll be about.

METRIC 11/11 @ the Parish
BROADCAST 11/17 (my dad's b-day) @ the Parish
DEERHOOF 11/19 @ Emo's (outside)

Now if only Lady Sovereign and Talib Kwelli would pay us a visit . . .


*the title of Broadcast's new junk is "Tender Buttons," hence the Stein.

In other news, noises in the walls suggest that we have either mice or ghosts.

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Cliff Notes Version of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" = funniest shit ever

The best use of "fuck you" that we've seen in awhile

click to link

Jess and Joss

Gilmore Girls: Word on the street says that Jess will be the one to shake Rory out of her DAR-sniffing haze.

Veronica Mars: And Joss Whedon plays a car salesman on Veronica Mars.

Annoying Boys of the Week: The Drooling Dunces of Laguna Beach

I hate the boys on MTV's Laguna Beach. Shocker, eh. It's a given really, that most people hate them. When I asked the SB, "if you had to get stuck in an elevator with one of the boys from Laguna Beach, who would you pick?" He simply looked at me in terror and replied flatly, "I cannot answer that question." The only reason ANYBODY watches the show is for the girls. At least a few of them seem to possess more than two brain cells. Plus, the women are way more photogenic and interesting.

But I digress. the boys. I hate them. The two "studs," Stephen and Jason, hardly seem worth fighting over. Especially doltish Jason. What does he do? Play basketball? Grow a beard? Drive around in his dad's fugly car? I just don't get it.

And then there are the other boys -- the ones who aren't really studly enough to be involved in any love triangles but who still hang around and expect things. Like Talan and Dieter. And I hate them the most.

Talan thinks he can sing. He wants to start a music career and sing "about politics." Is he serious? This is a kid who claims he wants to stay in high school forever. Last week we got a little taste of Talan's singing. Wow, it stinks. I was surprised nobody threw rotten veggies at him. He is so smug and entitled and unselfconscious. And he sounded like a crooning, smarmy seagull.

And then there's the perpetually scowling Dieter. First of all, Dieter isn't even one of the principals. He's friends with the other boys, and he used to go out with Jessica, so he shows up. Usually to smirk and mock. He uses lots of hair gel. And he's a meddler. Last week, when Jason and Jessica kissed, Dieter took it upon himself to get the story straight by gathering a huddle of boys (including Jason) and calling Jessica on speaker phone (this from a group of kids who claim to "hate drama"). Anyway, when she answers, he shushs Jason and immediately begins interrogating her: "Why would you kiss Jason when you know he and LC are hooking up?" He smacks his gum and glowers when Jessica denies it, then calls her a bitch and snaps his phone shut. And there you have it my friends -- conflict resolution, Laguna style.

This article further illustrates the ways in which Dieter has insinuated himself into the other cast members' circle of fame. He says stuff like "we've been hanging at clubs with Paris [Hilton]," and"I don't know where I'd be without the show" as if narrating the grand story of his rise into the hallowed hell-halls of Hollywood.* He is so full of shit.

*It seems Dieter does try to do some good stuff. you can find out about his charity work by visiting his myspace.

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Orchid Mantis

Read one of my poems by clicking here.

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What's a Woman w/o Jimmy Choos and Google to Do?

Maureen Dowd's suddenly infamous "What's A Modern Girl To Do?" has sparked quite a bit of debate from on-line women and feminists. The piece, which ran in the New York Times Magazine, is an excerpt from Dowd's forthcoming book Are Men Necessary? (I have to say that I really like this title -- much better than the stupid Doris Day-type title used for the excerpt). Anyway, the responses range from reluctant agreement to straight up vitriolic, with almost everyone weighing in noting that Dowd's, er, research methods seem limited and questionable.

Now, I have to admit that it took me awhile to read the article -- I found it sort of boring and tedious. I was never a fan of Sex and the City. I will never have enough money to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos (and even if I did I don't think I'd spend it on something like a pair of heels that were probably made in a sweat shop). And I've never ever for one second wondered if being smart made me less attractive (if anything, I've wasted time worrying that I am not smart enough). In short, I don't really identify with the women depicted in Dowd's article even though I recognize them from TV shows and magazine articles and so-called "chick-lit" novels. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care about these women -- when I say I'm a feminist I mean that I care about everybody -- but rather that I feel their trials and tribulations are very visible. Nothing in Dowd's article was "news" to me, even though it was annoyingly presented as such.

Dowd's article focused on the issues that affect upper-class, educated women, and this (to me) made it less interesting -- not only because it covered familiar territory, but also because Dowd's questions and concerns can seem trivial and silly when compared to the feminist issues she ignores -- namely those issues that affect poor and working class women. For example, why not discuss the ways in which a feminist agenda could help single mothers who have been displaced by hurricane Katrina, or the poor, working women who clock in at more than one forty-hour-a-week job? These are the women who need to be written about. These are the women whose lives are virtually invisible in the MSM.

The fact that Dowd's excerpt doesn't address issues that affect women outside her own demographic seems more than an oversight; rather, it seems as though she purposely avoids dealing with any details that might complicate her thesis -- that life as a woman when you're educated, economically secure, and heterosexual is still hard, even with feminism. Certainly any difficulties women who fit this profile face certainly must affect those women who live outside metropolitan areas, those without an education, and those without a white-collar job. Feminism's efficacy and influence can't be assessed without considering the lives of all women (including girls) -- not just those who google and do yoga.

That said, Dowd's piece highlights (in its omissions) those areas where feminism could and should be doing more. This can seem difficult, especially when anxiety about the meaning of "the f word" is complicated (and likely to arouse suspicion) outside the hallowed realms of academia , the DIY world of riot grrrls, and organizations like NOW and Planned Parenthood. Certainly much important work happens and continues to happen in these places. But still more needs to happen.

Dowd's article suggests that feminism has failed -- as if feminism is something that is over. Rather than a movement that is linear and terminal, feminism might be better described as rhizomatic and ongoing. In this sense, we can ask what feminism needs to do next -- not how feminism has "failed."

Just because Dowd doesn't discuss the needs of poor and working class women doesn't mean that nobody does. Here are some links to people who are asking good questions.

Jennifer Gordon
Naila Kabeer
Bertha Lewis
Cynthia Enloe
Hilary Wainwright
Barbara Ehrenreich

also related: NOW, Planned Parenthood, Feminist Majority Foundation

JUXTAPO$ITION$ MADE PO$$IBLE BY CAPITALI$M: WHO'$ BUYING?

As we tunnel through culture like a mole, we sometimes encounter items that have a strange synergy.



















K-Fed Spends Britney's Money
















Maureen Dowd asks "What's A Modern Girl to Do?"

Now dating etiquette has reverted. Young women no longer care about using the check to assert their equality. They care about using it to assess their sexuality. Going Dutch is an archaic feminist relic. Young women talk about it with disbelief and disdain. "It's a scuzzy 70's thing, like platform shoes on men," one told me.

"Feminists in the 70's went overboard," Anne Schroeder, a 26-year-old magazine editor in Washington, agrees. "Paying is like opening a car door. It's nice. I appreciate it. But he doesn't have to."

Unless he wants another date.

Women in their 20's think old-school feminists looked for equality in all the wrong places, that instead of fighting battles about whether women should pay for dinner or wear padded bras they should have focused only on big economic issues.

After Googling and Bikramming to get ready for a first dinner date, a modern girl will end the evening with the Offering, an insincere bid to help pay the check. "They make like they are heading into their bag after a meal, but it is a dodge," Marc Santora, a 30-year-old Metro reporter for The Times, says. "They know you will stop them before a credit card can be drawn. If you don't, they hold it against you."

One of my girlfriends, a TV producer in New York, told me much the same thing: "If you offer, and they accept, then it's over."

Jurassic feminists shudder at the retro implication of a quid profiterole. But it doesn't matter if the woman is making as much money as the man, or more, she expects him to pay, both to prove her desirability and as a way of signaling romance - something that's more confusing in a dating culture rife with casual hookups and group activities. (Once beyond the initial testing phase and settled in a relationship, of course, she can pony up more.)

"There are plenty of ways for me to find out if he's going to see me as an equal without disturbing the dating ritual," one young woman says. "Disturbing the dating ritual leads to chaos. Everybody knows that."

When I asked a young man at my gym how he and his lawyer girlfriend were going to divide the costs on a California vacation, he looked askance. "She never offers," he replied. "And I like paying for her." It is, as one guy said, "one of the few remaining ways we can demonstrate our manhood."

And Kanye West's hit "Golddigger" is gauranteed to be on at least one station in every listening area at any given time.

a bit of the lyrics:

(She give me money)
Now I aint sayin she a gold digger (Well I'm in Need)
But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz(She give me money)
Now I aint sayin she a gold digger (When I'm in Need)
but she aint messin wit no broke niggaz(i gotta leave)
get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down girl go head


[Verse 1:]
Cutie the bomb
Met her at a beauty salon
With a baby louis vuitton
Under her underarm
She said I can tell you rock
I can tell by ya charm
Far as girls you got a flock
I can tell by ya charm and ya arm
but I'm lookin for the one
have you seen her
My psychic told me she'll have a ass like Serena
Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids
An I gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz
Ok get ya kids but then they got their friends
I Pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in
We all went to din and then I had to pay
If you fuckin with this girl then you betta be paid
You know why
It take too much to touch her
From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
My best friend say she use to fuck wit Usher
I dont care what none of ya'll say I still love her

Hmmmm . . .

You can check out the video for the song here.
And you can read thoughtful responses to the Dowd article here, here, here, and here.

My New TV Girlfriend

My new TV Girlfriend is Dominique from MTV's Making The Band 3, Season 2!!! She is so talented and charismatic that even if she doesn't make the band (which will only prove that Diddy is a complete idiot) I'm sure that we'll be seeing more of her. Dominique is def star material. One of my favorite Dominique moments is when, after being asked to run six miles -- a sort of making the band challenge -- she remarks sassily "I don't usually run unless I'm being chased." In her interviews she's down to earth, driven, and smart. And she has one of those cool, husky voices (sort of like Fantasia's) and everything she says or sings sounds awesome. And she dances in this way that is really cute and sort of bouncy but also sort of badass. I want her to be my friend.

In somewhat related news, Salon has an article (humorously titled "Laguna Biatch") on "real life mean girl" Kristin Cavellari from MTV's Laguna Beach. Suzy Hansen writes:

At a time when we're ever more attentive to the intricate miseries of teenagers, Kristin seems strangely aware that all of this, all of this high school stuff, is total bullshit. Considering how one of the requirements of adolescence is to assume that nothing will ever get better -- the concept of perspective is as confusing as constructing attractive outfits for gym class -- this quality makes her quite different from your run-of-the-mill teen.

and later:

In fact, Kristin's something of a snotty little sage, as if she'd graduated high school long ago, climbed in a time machine, and returned with a vengeance for another shot at teendom. Few parents would want a teen with Kristin's soul, not to mention her dialect, and who knows whether Kristin will turn out to be a coldhearted, calculating woman someday. But teens could do worse than to adopt her sense of perspective. For anxiety-riddled tween-somethings everywhere, she's a reminder that high school is the last breath of childhood, the twilight years of irresponsibility, and the tingly last days of brainless fun.

This article is pretty on target, though I disagree with the notion that Kristin is unique. Kristin is clearly a product of affluent republicans (and it's rumored that of all the "rich kids" on Laguna Beach, she and LC are the only ones who are truly loaded). But she doesn't seem all that different to me than all the rich kids I used to babysit. These kids basically dominated their parents. They could do whatever they wanted, even if it meant someone else had to make a sacrifice. Kristin just sort of seems like that to me -- someone who basically has figured out how to rule and doesn't like thinking about how her actions might affect others. Trust me, this girl is swimming in the shallow end. I'll admit that I think it's cool that she doesn't get too caught up in all the high school bullshit (though I have hunch that she's one of those people who would pull hair on the playground or terrorize a classmate for something like playing the tuba) , but I think that has more to do with the fact that she's very very used to enjoying her privelege (and of course that little fact that she's on a hit reality show that's allowed her to go from high school student to celebrity overnight. I mean -- for chrissakes people -- she was probably doing lines with Paris at some hot club the night before her prom. Like she's gonna give a shit about high school after that!). Anyway . . . the fact that Kristin comes off as "unique" simply because she doesn't let a bunch of narcissistic boys who can't put sentences together walk all over her also suggests something pretty frightening about what we consider "normal." Yikes.

Anyway, Dominique is my girl. You can check her out on MTV Overdrive by clicking here.

Celebrity Feminism Fantasy Camp: Fall 2005

My little thought experiment / day dream*: I recruit a handful of down-in-the-mouth celebs, get them away from their icky boyfriends, overbearing fathers, and bad habits, and give them copious doses of bell hooks, Sylvia Plath, and bikini kill.

Who do you want to see rise from the ashes? Here's my short list:

Britney Spears
Jessica Simpson
Mary-Kate Olsen
Mischa Barton
Kate Moss
Sienna Miller
most of the girls on Laguna Beach
Katie Holmes (too far gone?)



*This goes well with my plan to write a feminist alternative to He's Just Not That Into You.