Like it's devil twin the Diet Industry Empire (DIE), the Evil Empire of Anti-Aging Products (EEAAP) has been tenderly sinking both claw and tooth into the pocketbooks of American women for a long time. We have both capitalism and sexist beauty standards to thank for DIE's and EEAAP's success stories. Jars and jars of snake oil sold daily. Jams and jellies composed of toxic sludge. I wonder how tall the mountain of purchased anti-aging products would be? How many dollars have women spent on this stuff? Is this actually an evil plot to re-route women's spending power into pointless jars of vanity products -- the myth being that beauty/youth provided women in this country with more power than cold, hard cash? That's just the conspiracy theory side of me running with it. You can say I'm reaching. Whatevs.
[But really, how many dollars spent advertising fountain of youth products? And what should we make of the west's fixation on preserving youth when millions go to bed hungry? ]
These days, I have a real bone to pick with Crest White Strips. That shit is evil, not just because of the stuff they sell, but because of the way they sell it. Have you seen those commercials? That "I'll Never Tell" shit? They're heinous. The premise is this: an affluent white woman who weighs three pounds and dresses like Kristin Cavallari coyly asks questions like: "When I was in middle school, I was into the latest dance craze. Was it the hustle or the electric slide?" Other questions include "did I like bell bottoms or penny loafers?" and "did I like David Cassidy of Ralph Macchio?" Yuck. Yuck. Double Yuck. I'm just waiting for the one where they ask "I was into partying. Did I like cocaine or crack?" Anyway, the idea is that we can't really guess what trend they were into because they look soooo young. Is she 30 or 45? Who knows 'cause she reminds us repeatedly that "I'll never tell."
And what the hell is in a crest white strip? Bleach? Yeah, I wanna suck on that so I can fool people about my age because my teeth are so white. It's stupid.
And why is this product suddenly gendered? Last I checked, teeth whitening products were for everybody. Why is it all about women now? Huh, Crest? Why? They've even got Carmindy, the make-up artist from TLC's What Not to Wear, assaulting women in Central Park and telling them to wear blush, lip gloss, and Crest White Strips. Icky.
Crest white strips. Another way to keep the people down.
I do, however, like The White Stripes.