Thursday, February 09, 2006

Robots, Dopes, Chumps, and Fools

It was just a hunch before, but now I'm convinced: Ryan Seacrest is indeed a robot. His main function is to turn sincere, humble comments into banalities. At least that is what he did to just about everyone on the red (er, green) carpet at the Grammys last night.

Poor Fiona Apple. She looked so uncomfortable (probably afraid of getting some of the robot's self-tanner on her dress). But she seemed really nice and sincere. Anyway, she appeared flummoxed by Seacrest's inane questions, and when asked what kind of man she liked, she said she something along the lines of "I don't have a type. I don't believe in that. But I can say that I like strong personalities and people who are 1000% themselves." And then the robot computed, "so you like 'em genuine."

But DJ A.M. was an even worse red (er, green) carpet personality. Mostly because he doesn't have any personality, but also because he kept asking grammy winners from past years if this was their first time being nominated. What a dope.

And former annoying boy of the week Adam Levine gets the #1 chump award. He spit his gum out and put it in Ryan Seacrest's hand. Then he tried to kick it with Mary J. Blige, who shoulda punched him for being so chumptastic. But she was gracious and tolerated their schtick even though she's like 5000% cooler than they are.

And Michael Buble, who I think bragged about already winning a grammy, is -- according to the SB -- a fool. I didn't actually see this part of the pre-awards show, but the SB is rarely wrong about these things.

above: Ryan Seacrest kisses his own ass

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