The Lion, The Bull, and The Scorpion

hot topic is the way that we rhyme

Those are the astrological signs of our beloved Le Tigre: J.D. is a Leo, Johanna is a Taurus, and yes, Kathleen is a Scorpio (the same sign as Femme Feral).

We had so much fun last night. The sweetly Sad Billionaire held our bag while Rcokslinga and I busted a move on the dance floor. Or tried to, at least. I mostly just jumped up and down and clapped and hollered because my space was extremely limited. Emo's was packed. And in case you were wondering, there is no shortage of hipsters in Austin. As I'd hoped, the usually uber-male-testosterone vibe of Emo's was pretty much overwhelmed by the sistas, but even then I was still annoyed with just about every boy there (all except SB, of course).

Anyway, I love Kathleen. Her music has been really important to me. In my teen novel, there is a chapter called "Rebel Girl." In it the protagonist, Melody, buys her first Bikini Kill record (Pussy Whipped). Because she can't drive yet, she listens to it on her walkman as she rides her bike around the neighborhood. When I lamented to Rockslinga that I wished rock shows could sometimes be more like poetry readings, I didn't mean that I wanted to sit in reverent silence while somebody from the ivory tower of academia read their poetry in hushed, deliberate tones to an audience of smarmy intellectuals. What I meant is that I wanted to wait in line and have Kathleen sign my record the way I waited in line for Lucille Clifton to sign my book. And I wanted that so I could tell her how her music changed my life. Anyway, it was Rockslinga who reminded me that they way I could tell her was through my writing. So I really want to finish this book now, because there are lots of little thank yous to bands like Bikini Kill sprinkled throughout the story.

I know, I know. I am a dork.

And I want a dress that says "STOP BUSH."

Le Tigre

we gonna rock with these ladies tonite

Annoying Boys Whose Names Begin with the letter "R"

If Cookie Monster can have a letter of the day, then so can we. And since it has been awhile since we've had an "Annoying Boy of the Week" post, we might as well take on a whole little clique of snore boys at once. Today, the letter R.

So...

1.) Ray Romano


Ray is Rotten

Holy Hell, has there ever been a boy-man more annoying than this self-satisfied "comic" ? His show, ironically titled Everybody Loves Raymond, is finally over, but that doesn't mean we won't be subjected to syndication hell. Yes, my friends. Hell is the place where Everybody Loves Raymond plays 24-7. The gender-dynamics on the show were pretty stone age, as all the women in the show seemed to cater to RR's every whim. I don't know what else to say. I just really hate that show.

I do, however, like romano cheese.

2.) Ryan Seacrest Ryan Seacrest is getting his message out: fake tans and anorexia are for boys too! What a mealy mouth. What an unctuous slither-slime. How did he get that job? How? How?

3.) Ryan Cabrera This guy has the most ridiculous hair I've ever seen. And did Joe Simpson pay him to go out with Ashlee or what?

4.) Karl Rove The nickname "turdblossom" is, for this mofo, a euphemism.

5.) Last, but certainly not least, Ross from friends. Sure, he had his funny moments -- I can admit that. He's pretty funny in some of the flashbacks, when he has a moustache and plays his casio keyboard and sings about computers. But he is soooooo annoying. He had a pet monkey? Hello! A monkey doesn't want to be your pet!!! A monkey wants to live in the jungle and swing from vines and eat bananas. Anyway, Ross is whiny and wishy-washy. His hair appears to be shellaced with the same mixture of egg whites, spray starch, and elmer's glue that my high school friends used to make their much cooler mohawks. Plus, Ross is too proud to get back together with Rachel (who was always too good for the little green eyed monster anyway), and instead clings to the refrain "we were on a break!" thus allowing asshole boys of the universe to form a fraternity around this pathetic logic ( a depressing sign of the times really, when "technicalities" are invoked in order to justify infidelities, IMHO). And HE DOESN'T EVEN READ HER LETTER in that episode at the beach house. What a baby!!!!



Some good things begin with "R"

"Back to School" goes Back in the Day

The Choice is Yours?

"Back to School" time sucks. Remember that shit? You're all cold chilling, watching TV after swimming or hangin' with your peeps at the playground, and then -- like a grotesquely tentacled creature from the depths of the malicious mere of spoil your fun -- the back to school commercial rears its ugly head. Hordes of impossibly happy children in colorful outfits! Shiny lunchboxes! STUDENT PLANNERS!!! That back to school commercial punctures the fantasy of the endless summer, it reminds you that summer is ending, that you must go back to school. Run for your life!!!!!

Though it was about half a lifetime ago, I can still remember my reaction to the "back to school" advertisements. It was something like:

Yuck! Yuck! Fuck you back to school! With your composition notebooks and looseleaf and pocket folders. You can't fool me. School supplies and new shoes will mean nothing when I'm hurriedly copying someone else's Spanish homework before the bell rings. When I'm getting the answers out of the back of my Algebra book and wondering how the hell I'm going to show my "work." When I'm eating a gross, government-subsided "food" item on the bleachers.

Anyway, fifteen years ago I was going into the tenth grade (what a hell hole!). Interestingly, the soundtrack to this year's "back to school" commercials is the same one I had that summer. As if advertising wasn't evil enough. For example:


JC Penny and The Black Sheep's "The Choice is Yours"

P.S. In my google search for "Black Sheep" I also found this.

Target's bizzar-o rendition of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back"

Like Sir Mix, the Target folks aspire to pun on "back", referencing both "backpacks" and "back to school"(cringe). Poor Sir Mix, first Ross and Rachel sing this song to their kid in the final and most irritating days of Friends, and now this. Do you think Sir Mix got paid for that Friends shit?

Kohl's mash-up of Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded me with Science"

Kids walk behind big test tubes and their outfits change! Poetry in Motion indeed!

Now, I have to admit that I'm glad the Black Sheep song is getting some play. It's a great song! And if advertising is going to be so evil, it might as well be entertaining. And of course the pop song as backdrop to corporate pimping ain't anything new (I can still remember when I first saw the Nike commercial that used the Beatles' song "Revolution"). But nothing can diminish the surprise of hearing the Ramones or the Go-Go's or the Clash or Modest Mouse or Nick Drake in a commercial. And absolutely nothing can diminish the pain of going back to school.

Celebrutality Vol. 3 Not So Simple!

Last night, while killing fifteen hours waiting for stoned hipsters to materialize at a musical performance so Nick Hennies and I could begin playing our music, FF and me and Nick and the fab-o Ms. Sitar were all chatting.

Hennies mentioned that he thought that the group A Simple Plan should be in the celebrutality category of totally-not- famous-but-somehow-considered-famous-maybe-by-people-
we-don't-know-and-also-me-because-I-know-who-they-are-
but-they-don't-know-me. Moreso even than the evil Good Charlotte, sayeth Mister Nick!

I objected at the time. After all, I said, A Simple Plan are pivotal to the plot of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson's masterpiece New York Minute. I explained that New York Minute happens to feature the greatest scene of all time: Punk-rock crazygirl Ashley or MK reciting a whole verse of "Complicated" by "Professor" Avril Lavigne during a speech contest where she is pretending to be AWOL buttoned-down/smartypants Ashley or MK. Hilarious!

So. Are A Simple Plan celebrutality-worthy, and I am just being stubborn?

My brother has a great blog!

Everybody should check out my brother's new blog-- haverchuk.blogspot.com. Great commentary about everything from politics to food preparation.

Vegetarians should avoid scrolling down to the beer-can-chicken feature. Phrenologists, prepare to be outraged!

SB's couture line takes off!

Paris loves Sad Billionaire's new line of hats!

In Praise of all things CHUBBY

Totoro is chubby


Lately we have been reflecting on how much we like things that are chubby.

First of all, "chubby" is a great nom de plume for musicians. Fifties rocker Chubby Checker? Thrilling! Bluegrass great Chubby Wise? Yee haw! Dub master King Tubby? Honorable mention. Fat Joe? Not quite. Fatty Arbuckle? Wasn't he involved in some horrible Hollywood sex scandal? Fatboy Slim? Get out of my post, poseur! Ben & Jerry's "Chubby Hubby"? Not musical, but a pretty good ice cream flavor. "Chubb Chubbs" ? I never saw it but it looked like a really cute animated short on the Oscars a few years ago.

Second of all, chubbiness is an essential component of the ineffable sublime cuteness of many cartoon characters. Miyazaki's Totoro? His adorable tummy bulges all over, so little Mei can grab hold of his fluffy fur as she climbs all over him. On-time, off-balance Pekkle? A litle bit zaftig. Yogi Bear? Pleasantly plump. Need I say more?


Sanrio cutie Pekkle.

I love animals that are a little bit chubbier than breed-standard. There is a certain Lhasa Apso in Maryland whose owner feeds him plenty of bacon and sirloin steak and other tasty treats. Result: a belly so round and prodigious that it brushes the carpet whenever he waddles around. In our backyard there is a bluejay who has developed an overall roundness so profound that I start clapping my hands and squealing whenever I see him.

Yesterday, FF suggested a brilliant thought-experiment: try to think of an inanimate object that is not made cuter by prefacing it with the adjective "chubby." E.g.-- house. Yep, chubby house is cute. Fork? Yep, chubby fork is cute. Vaccuum cleaner? Roller skate? Harpsichord? You see where I am going with this.

Underappreciated Child Actor #2: Ashly Holloway

"I just really love that dog"

You know we love Curb Your Enthusiasm. But you may not know how much we love Ashly Holloway, the little mophead who plays Sammy Green, daughter of Susie and Jeff (played by the hilarious Susie Essman and Jeff Garlin ).

Anyway, Ashly is not only super-cute, she's a straight-up riot. Our favorite episode with Ashly? Hands down -- "The Corpse Sniffing Dog." Our favorite scene? The one where she accidentally gets drunk, slurs her words, and agrees to let Larry give away her dog. She's the best drunk little girl we've ever seen!



"I don't want Oscar -- I want Daddy"

We hope to see more of her.

D-O-Single G

What a happy night it is over here at Fluffy Dollars HQ. The Eukanuba Dog Show is on, and we are watching all of the pretty puppies prance around.

I love dog shows. The commentary is so sweet, and the whole thing is very gentle and also quite fried.

Why is it that sometimes the mindnumbingly predictable is a source of annoyance-- say on cable news, when talking heads spout assinine cliches (my least favorite these days? the newfangled asian fusion cliches-- like "so and so is playing political ju-jitsu" or something is "political kabuki"...umm, sayonara, motherfucker?) while at other times, it is totally comforting?

For example, when the dog show people asked one of the dog experts who was likely to win, he said, "all bets are off once the dogs enter the ring." I thought to myself, "yes, all bets are off. How like life! I love you, dog show!"

Women Rule the Bestseller List

You have to check out this post over at GalleyCat.


good news for FF?

Lulu.com, the print-on-demand publisher that allows users to publish their novels for free, is the force behind this study. The above graphic came with their press release.

Non-annoying boy of the week: Ray Price

Ray Price

Sad Billionaire here, back again. Apologies for my lack of postage of late.

I was listening to CDs by country music legend Ray Price today, trying to do one hundred thousand dishes. If you are not a Ray Price fan, you owe it to yourselves to check out the master of lachrymose country-and-western self pity. A lot of folks who get into country male vocalists seem to stop with Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, and George Jones. And while I also love the tough-guy swagger of these singers, I have been really moved by my discovery of what can only be called the "absurdly and frighteningly emotional" school of country song interpretation. A Ray Price record has more over-the-top blubbering than Morrisey singing Schubert lieder while chopping a whole bag of vidalias with a dull Ginsu.

Now, Ray Price made some pretty questionable records with string sections and other atrocities of the Nashville music machine. But the classic stuff from the 50s and 60s with the Cherokee Cowboys is totally unbeatable. Particulary recommended is the Audium CD reissue of "Burning Memories/Touch My Heart." Holy fuck. Price probes the inner architecture of despair and betrayal inherent in doomed love affairs, all the while maintaining a stoic air of wry resignation. When he gooses a line with outrageous sentimentality, one cannot help but collapse in a puddle of writhing sympathy-melancholy.

Whatever you want to say about that, it is definitely not annoying!

BUST, BUST, BUST

Thanks to Elka, we just got the new issue of BUST in the mail.

Here are some tasty tidbits.

Learn about Lady Sovereign, a 19 year old rapper from the GRIME (rap, hip-hop, garage, and dance -- all mixed up, shaken, and stirred) scene in London. She's an endearing mix of moody and confident. I like it when she talks about her punk rock parents.

Francesca Lia Block, author of our beloved Weetzie Bat, talks about her new book Necklace of Kisses. Even though Necklace of Kisses is like, one of the worst book titles I've ever seen, I'm still pre-ordering this book. It's about what happens to Weetzie in her forties!!!

A brief piece called "Saving Face" about Safe Cosmetics Campaign, a group started by California teenagers to uncover what' s really in your make-up. Prepare to be grossed out by what they find: www.safecosmetics.org.

An interview with Chuck D, who says "I think women should run the world. I think men have periods and they're called wars." Wow.

A fashion spread inspired by the films of John Waters called "Desperate Living." We love Baltimore.

Together Again

ally


Ally Hannigan and Charisma Carpenter join the cast of Veronica Mars.



charisma

yummy in my tummy

This Book Made Me Laugh

Tanuja Desai Hidier's Born Confused

Now that I've finally started that YA/teen novel that I've been meaning to write forever, I'm reading around in the YA/teen section again. This weekend's tome: Born Confused.

Also, check out the PUSH website. They have some really cool titles for teens. I think I'm gonna read Never Mind the Goldbergs next.

Nothing is Sacred. Not Even The Smiths.

A Day in the Life of FF or What I've Done Since this Time Yesterday

1. Herbie Fully Loaded


Lindsay and the Lovebug

number of puppies: 4

2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Midnight party at Borders.

lots of cute kids, tweens, and teens out in the harry potter garb.


number of puppies: 4

3. Rhymes with Witches.

number of puppies: 2

4. Showgirls


the best bad movie?

number of puppies: 3

5. The Daily Show on DVD
Do you remember that Zell Miller shit? Hilarious.

And frightening

number of pupies: 5

6. Shopping for groceries at the gas station in the middle of the night.

number of puppies: 0

7. Shopping for poetry at Borders

number of puppies: 1

Rating system:
5 puppies: Excellent.
4 puppies: Fun
3 puppies: Flawed and fried, but so bizarre it's worth seeing at least once
2 puppies: Does not live up to it's cover design, title, or our expectations
1 puppy: Avoid it. One puppy is never enough. And they haven't updated their selection in the last year.
0 puppies: :(

No Shit Sherlock

DVD: Desired Video Delinquents or This Post Really Really Stinks

We like trash. It's our tonic. Our vice. We sift through cable's most disposable offerings and slurp them up like greasy old noodles. Yum. We love being full of trash. We must be bloated with it. We are trash junkies. Two hours without it and were all like, "more trash! more trash! Get us a trash IV, stat!" We crave the trash. We worship it.

But trash is not always available. At least not the tasty trash. That's why we need our trash on dvds. We spin that shit nightly. We bathe in the stench of stinkiest special features. We pause on the most garbage-licious moments. We rot in the waste of mind-pummeling commentaries.

So we ask the mighty gods of trash -- why do you withhold some of your most delectable offerings?

For example:


Jessica is on DVD. Why aren't you Ashlee?

So trashy. So painfully slimy and sticky. So icky yicky ya ya yay.

And what about:


My Super Sweet Sixteen

Garbage. Waste. Refuse. Pig guts. Give it! Give it!

And what about Rich Girls, aka Ally Hilfiger and Jaime Gleicher?



would you watch these two stinkers on DVD?

Detritus. Rubbish. Two foul piles of it.

And don't think we lack a sense of history:


Trash of our teens.

90210: the dump's original zip code. Earnestly noisome. Odiously adorable.

And look! We already have something fresh and healthy to cleanse our palette:


At least the Puppy Bowl is on DVD

Aw! Adorable puppies. So you can't judge us, because we like puppies.

'kay?